It’s been a while….Posted: January 2, 2008
Well I haven’t written in a while and I wish I could say it because I was busy with Christmas preparations….
To be totally transparent, I have been walking in a spiritual wilderness for a while now. Earlier this year God took something very precious to me away and it has been a lot harder than I thought to get through it. The baby was also a huge surprise! Processing my thoughts and emotions about having a child has been an emotional roller coaster! I was terrified for the first couple of weeks. Things have changed though. A couple days after Christmas, we got to see a picture of our baby. I got to see that little baby moving and rolling around in my womb. I could not believe it! So small, yet so full of life! I feel as if I have gotten to know my baby since then. Maybe I am silly but I read to the baby and talk to her. I can feel little flutters and can actually see my stomach making space for her : )
This past year has been one of ups and downs. When God placed her in my body my spirit was dry. I love the Lord and have no doubt of His existence but this year (or I guess last year) I was losing my hope. Sometimes it is so hard to understand what He is up to. I trust Him but I don’t always (or rarely ever rather) understand Him.
I think this baby is a girl though. I am not one to have intuition or whatever…. I didn’t “know” I was pregnant or anything… I don’t have a “feeling”. She is just living up to the name we picked out for her, “Ella”. Ella means light or beautiful. This baby has definitely been the light of my soul over the last couple of weeks. She (or maybe he) has given me hope and lighted up my journey with the Lord. I had talked Mark into naming her Ella Reese which would mean “Enthusiastic Light” but now I think I am leaning toward “Ella Hope”. Regardless, boy or girl, we are blessed. The Lord is renewing my hope in Him through this precious baby!