Stay at Home momPosted: April 27, 2010
I have been a stay at home mom for almost 2 years. Wow! Time flies!
I ate lunch with a friend yesterday I had not really talked to much since Ella was born. She said, “How are you?”. (It’s nice to have friends who ask that and mean it!) She asked if I like having two kids and how I was handling the adjustment. After I got done telling her (I am never one to be short on words), she had tears in her eyes and thanked me for being so transparent. I’m not sure what she could possibly glean from my situation but I thought it might be good to share. Maybe there is someone else like me struggling with being a stay at home mom. Maybe there is not but maybe I can encourage you by showing you the way my God works intimately in my life…
Even two years in a still struggle… with the “call” if you will.
I struggle with feeling….
lonely (22 month olds have limited conversation skills)
vulnerable because I don’t bring in an income
guilty for not bringing home a paycheck
guilty because I don’t do enough around the house and that’s my only “job”
guilty because I do too much around the house and don’t play with my kids enough
exhausted because you never get that “clock out” moment… my ‘work’ is 24/7.
Mainly I struggle with feeling inadequate, unimportant and forgotten. Daily I get peed on, spit up on, pooped on or used as a snot rag! That can mess with your mind after a while. I start to accept the thought that I do not have value; I’m just a living breathing burp cloth.
In High school and college, I begged God to use me greatly. I wanted to be apart of His plan and His work. I was serious too! I desire that more than anything else. While luging two screaming children out of Walmart with a hand full of groceries, I start to doubt God answered my prayer.
The other day we went to dinner with the staff and some other staff personnel from another church. Everybody took their seats. I was on the far end of a long table with my children. I couldn’t even hear the “adult conversation” let alone engage in it. I thought, “Why did I even come? I can watch my children a lot easier that at some noisy restaurant?” Then the self pity set in and I let all sorts of whiney thoughts dialog with God in my mind. Baby girl had to eat about 10 mins after the food got there. By the time I made it to the car to feed her, I was in tears, loathing in my self pity.
I said, “God, this isn’t fair! I used to lead meetings, plan things, direct, and teach…. I used to be important!!! I don’t know if I like this mom thing… especially the ‘stay-at-home mom’ thing! I want a ministry back! I don’t want to be benched anymore! I want to be apart of Your plan! Is that so bad?!!!”
In almost an audible stern father-like voice to my heart God replied, “Trisha, when will you accept the ministry I have given you? Just because in your eyes it seems small, does not mean you are being any less disobedient to not surrender to it! This is NOT about you! It is still very much about me! Now are you going to fulfill YOUR ministry?”
I have been “chewing” on this one for awhile! My Father is right (surprise! surprise!). For too long I have been looking over my children’s shoulder’s for something better, all the while missing what is right in front of me!
God is good. He is such a teacher!
And as far as the whole “unimportant thing”…. “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phillipians 2: 5-8
I haven’t even scratched the surface on true humility.