Adoption SetbackPosted: October 1, 2012
Mark and I watched a great moving tonight, “What to Expect when you are Expecting”. The movie is about 5 couples that go through the process of adding a child in their family. One woman has the “perfect pregnancy”, no stretch marks, no real weight gain… “that” girl. One is the fitness guru. One has a realistic, terrible, uncomfortable, nauseating pregnancy that ended in a C-section. One couple goes through the process of adoption and one couple unfortunately looses their baby around what I would guess is the middle of the pregnancy.
I did not at all identify with the first two girls. My two pregnancies were almost exactly like the “Wendy” character… I gained a lot of weight. I was very sick. I was bloated- with my son, I could not even walk. I was an absolute emotional wreck! And I also ended up having C-sections. Her character made me laugh! I so identified!
The last two couples tugged at my heart strings more than I thought…
I had purposely been avoiding the topic of adoption for a couple months now.
Our family was in the process of adoption for the majority of this past year. We really got the ball rolling last November. We started attending some informational meetings, decided on an agency and a direction. In January, we started the paperwork. We spent a lot of time at doctors offices. In March, we completed a 20 hour required class for our adoption path. It was a very emotional and time consuming class. Then we started the “real paper work”. A packet of papers about 6 inches deep came to our house. We spent hours upon hours filling out the questions about every nitty gritty detail of our life… every single detail. I drove all over the city of Atlanta collecting documents and fingerprints and who knows what but somehow we finally finished.
And our hearts and dreams grew. I did not have stretch marks and didn’t have monthly doctor visits but the process was so similar to my pregnancies. I fell in love with a child whom I did not know. We changed our plans and life to accommodate this little one. We were getting excited and expectant for another child in our home. I made Mark a desk calendar for Christmas last year. I left some spots blank toward the end of the year, in hopes and expectation that we would have #3’s pictures to fill in there. I felt all the emotions of a pregnant woman waiting to meet their child. Fear, love, peace, anxiety – heart burn, and exhaustion. We even had a name and picture of a potential child. Our family had all the excitement of an impending arrival!
But then around June, things came to a gradual stop. Long story short, we knew we were moving to another city but unsure of when and where. Our caseworker advised us to place the adoption on hold until we got settled. I was hoping to be settled by the end of July. We were hoping to by a house. But neither of these things ended up being able to happen. Without getting in to too much… due to many small un-forseen issues, it looks like the “pause” button will need to be pushed for much longer than we thought. There was so much momentum and now here we are in October at a complete stop.
And I feel a great deal of loss. A great deal of sadness. Possibly that similar to a physical miscarriage.
Kids being kids, don’t understand. My son still asks, talks about or prays about his “brothers” almost every day. He would get mad when we would look at houses because he said they were too small for all his brothers… I’m not really sure how many “brothers” he plans on having but still I love his heart.
I know all the “God answers”: “It will work out in God’s timing” “Maybe you weren’t ready” (- that one is true but with that being said, I’m not really “ready” for the first two I already have!) “All things happen for a reason” “Maybe you can do the adoption thing when your kids are older or out of the house”. And you know what? All these things are true! We aren’t ready! Everything does happen for a reason. And maybe we should wait on this whole thing and adopt when we have more money and our kid are older.
However, despite it all, our heart has experienced a loss. And it sucks (sorry mom)! I don’t understand why we went through all of that just to be here in a two bedroom apartment and no adoption. We wasted a whole lot of time, a whole lot of money and a lot of heart ache to end up empty handed.
I don’t get it and I don’t like it.
I’ll end with this little story from my whimsical, free spirited daughter.
While we were driving to church today, I reminded her to act like a princess. I did this because she may or may not be known to hit, kick or push on the rare occasion. She said she promised to act like a princess. I then proceeded to tell her she really was a princess. She was God’s princess and that God was the King of all Kings. She was His child making her a real princess! Then she said, “I’m gonna dance on the stage with God. And God’s gonna hold my hand and I’ll go round and round on the stage.”
Oh my goodness, my heart melted! I love it!
I had this visual image of God dancing with my baby girl. It was beautiful. I love this visual and thought of Him holding her hand and Him holding mine. And some how in that sweet moment, I was reminded that He is with me, holding my hand, dancing with me through all of life’s junk. I don’t have to understand Him or even like all that He is doing. I just have to keep hanging on!
So I don’t really get what He is doing in so many areas of our life right now… not only adoption. But I think I’m gonna hang on and dance. Because even through all the disappointment and let downs of life, I still would rather be with Him.
Adoption has been our goal since we got married. Our dream was to have a big house and adopt as many kids as space (and sanity) would allow. God blessed us (like crazy blessed us) with our two biological kids coming along for the journey! Adoption, however, is still our goal we will just have to trust God with the timing.