Mommy MartyrdomPosted: February 13, 2013
Confession: I stunk it up as a mom and wife the past couple days. (I mean this unfortunately isn’t a rare thing but its fresh on my mind). Tonight I was turning off the kids’ lights, about to head to bed, and I just became overwhelmed with conviction. God has blessed me with some amazing kids! Why do have to act like a brat mom sometimes. I was on my knees, convicted, grossed out and God allowed my mind to do a little “replay” of the day.
As I thought through everything, too often I give motherhood 50%. My kids know it too. I’m tired. I’m disconnected. I’m ‘present’ but not there. I rarely play with the kids, yet I feel like I never get anything done because I’m always “with the kids”.
Frustrated, I got up off my daughter’s floor, walked back to my room and sat down with my Bible.
So why does this matter? Why does scheduling and intentionality matter? It doesn’t seem so “selfless” to make time for my self.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” Proverbs 4:23
If you dig deep in this verse (which I encourage you to: blueletterbible.com), you will see that the verbiage here is like a watchman of a prison gate. C. H. Spurgeon related the heart to a water reservoir – all things (words, actions, thoughts) originate from the heart. If you, therefore, find yourself acted like a ‘brat’ to your family or saying slanderous things, take a look at your heart!
“The things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile man.” Matthew 15:18
For me – I’m not doing a very good job at “soul care”. I’m not making time for myself and I’m lacking on daily scheduling discipline….. but what’s polluting my “water reservoir”/my heart? PRIDE! Pride is causing me to want attention or praise for pulling extra “mommy hours”. If I made time to go sit at Starbucks or read a book during naptime, those things would be little rewards in and of themselves. I would no longer “deserve” as much attention and praise for being so exhausted. And fitting in that “me time” is a lot easier with a better schedule.
I see these things -discipline and making time for myself – like nets used to take trash out of a swimming pool. They aren’t the issue or the solution but they help. The issue is pride. The solution is God’s grace to help me recognize my sin and His grace to sustain me in walking out better choices.
I’m just being honest. That’s my diagnosis for my own issues.
If you are convicted about an area of your life, take it back to the heart. There is a pollutant there. ‘Take care, watch over, keep, guard your heart, mind and soul. For from its gates escapes the outgoing of life.’ -adapted from the Hebrew translation in my own words Proverbs 4:23