Eddie

I haven’t blogged in years, but today I read someone else’s story and it healed me in ways I didn’t know I needed healing. Sharing is vulnerable and uncomfortable but a necessary sacrifice in this life.

So I thought I would share a segment of our story…

Adoption has always been “in the picture” for us. During the year of our engagement, we went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. He talked about adoption and as cliche’ as it might be, we walked out of there knowing we going to adopt one day.

We have moved and changed jobs many times in our 11 years of marriage but one goal has remained the same: adoption. In 2012, we were living in an apartment in Atlanta (a far cry from the house we had imagined) but we felt God tugging on our hearts to start the adoption process. Our two babies were 3 and 2, why not add to the family via adoption?

After starting the classes and paperwork, a friend found out about our endeavor.  She worked for the State and had connections in the foster-world. She knew of a little boy who would soon be up for adoption. I won’t divulge too many details but we were in. We expedited the process, pushing the “pedal to the metal” to be ready for this boy – mountains of paperwork, classes, and interviews.

I wish I could say I was hopeful and excited but I wasn’t. See Eddie came right after a hard and disappointing season. A season of “no” and a season of struggle. A few years prior, we had been on staff with a church plant. We gave it 100% but after 2 years in, our family had to leave because we could not make ends meet. It was hard to leave when our heart was there. It was hard to recover and come “home”. It was hard to give up so much for the Lord for what felt like “nothing”.

But God was restoring. And then Eddie came in the picture. My heart said “no, don’t do this to yourself again”. I held this all with open hands. For a few months, I was not that emotionally attached. If God took this all away, I could easily walk away with no major pain. But somewhere in the process, I started to fall for him. I only had one picture and little knowledge of this boy. One day, however, while driving my babies around town I looked in the rear view mirror. I don’t know how or why but I could just see him sitting right there in the back seat. It was perfect. I loved it. And I cried. I cried because I had tried so hard to not get attached but here I was. I was attached and in love with this boy and the whole thing. I wanted him.

We prayed and wept allowing God to let us hope again.

Months went by and I’ll speed up the story; we didn’t get to adopt our third child. His foster parents decided to keep him.

More fast-forwarding, we moved. A year or so later, we started the long process of several medical issues with my son & husband. My husband faced some mysterious illness where his joints swelled up. At times he could not walk. I had to do everything around the house and with the kids. The illness mysterious came and then about 6 months later just went away with no real medical answers.

In the midst of all this, one well-meaning person said, “can you imagine having 3 kids right now? Aren’t you glad that whole adoption thing didn’t work out?!”

I know I nodded and agreed politely. But the truth is, no! I mean if we are going with the easy logic it would have been easier to not have had any kids at all. Maybe I should have gotten rid of them… and much easier if I didn’t have a crippled husband walking with a cane! I loved that boy and he was “with us” for about 6 months. Much like a miscarriage, you don’t just brush it off and think, “man, my life is easier without a baby. I’m glad that didn’t work out.”

I grieved this boy for years later. I still struggle at Christmas-time.

And you know what, its okay.

I do have two wonderful, healthy children. But, I still grieve the one lost (in our hearts).

I do have so much to be thankful for. But I still mourn. And its okay.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to grieve. I learned this and I learned to let go. I let go of being in control of the out come.

I know God is good and I know God in control but I don’t have a pretty bow to put on this story. Sandwiched in the middle of struggle and disappointment, God allowed a “no”. It hurt and we were so sad. It’s okay to hurt, its okay to not understand. 

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